A Piece of Kake

Have you ever prayed a scary prayer before? These are prayers that God could only answer by allowing you to suffer. Prayers like:

“God, please break me of my flesh.”

“God, don’t let me be a comfortable Christian.”

“God, please teach me how to handle failure.”

I’ve prayed these before, and they’re scary, and God has answered (or at least started to). Last Memorial I prayed not to be comfortable. Two months later I found myself at Cedar Point with the high school ministry. I hate roller coasters, overpriced junk food, and broiling my Irish skin in the sun for fourteen hours, and I developed a massive headache from the sun as well. So it’s fair to say Cedar Point was part of the answer to that prayer. I had fun, but uncomfortable fun. I could say the same about playing sports and going to the high school football games. Not exactly my bag of chips, but it’s exactly what I prayed for.

I’ve prayed to be broken of my pride (very scary—pray with caution!), and God granted me a string of failed friendships and discipleships. He also graciously gave me loyal friends to bring me through. I got what I asked for, but I have a feeling He’s not done answering that one yet.

But just recently I’ve started praying the scariest prayer, one I think every Christian should pray.

“God, please show me if you want me to be a missionary.”

That’s missionary as in cross-cultural, overseas, long-term worker in the global harvest. I’ve prayed this prayer at various times since the age of twelve, but never with such earnestness and immediacy as now. At twenty-three, I’m old enough (though not experienced enough) to actually go, and my husband is also praying the scariest prayer with new interest and even urgency.

“God, please show me where You want me to serve, whether here, extra-locally, in Taiwan, Thailand, India, or even Iran…if that’s even possible.”

What’s so scary about this prayer?

Frankly, that bit about Iran (or any closed Muslim country) is terrifying. I can’t even watch the “torture” scene in The Princess Bride! How the heck could I handle it if I actually got tortured? I’d probably cave in a second, which is also scary because I could seriously damage the Christian faith and the whole region’s ministry. But then the child-like faith part of my brain (a very small part, unfortunately), says, “God would get you through it.” I have a hard time believing it, but there are plenty of testimonies of persecuted, beaten, tortured believers who somehow manage to “rejoice in suffering” just like the Bible says. So it must be possible.

Perhaps scarier than getting tortured is seeing my kids (the ones I don’t have yet) or husband get tortured or killed. I would be devastated if Neil died. But he could die anywhere, anytime. So I guess it just boils down to trusting God again. And Elizabeth Elliot is a real testament to how God provides even in that type of sorrow. (See the movie End of the Spear with a box of tissues nearby).

Even if God led us to a field where torture/execution wasn’t an issue, it would still be incredibly difficult to leave this amazing, one-of-a-kind fellowship, my family, the comforts of home, the English language, and everything we’re used to.

And then to go learn a new language, go through training, and start working with a team of strangers (if we’re lucky enough to join a team), and try to reach people and grow churches and raise leaders in a foreign place? And have a family there, too? Crazy talk.

But we’re talking it, more than ever before. We’re talking to Seann and Amy Gibson in Taiwan, who say that learning how to fail is crucial to being a missionary because pioneer missions work includes a lot of failure. We’re talking to Ellen Livingood, a missionary Neil met in Perspectives, about the process of getting onto the field. We’re going to talk with Martha McCallum who grew up in Kenya, who says that character is the critical element to becoming a missionary. We want to pick her brain on what that means and looks like to develop. We’ve been talking to fellow Perspectives students who are at varying points in the process of praying and getting answers to the scariest prayer.

And there’s the issue of replacing ourselves here, too. The harvest is plentiful and the workers are few, both here and there. But one third of the world’s population couldn’t hear the gospel in their language if they wanted to—there are simply no believers among them. Neil said, “becoming a missionary is the most logical thing a Christian could do. It just makes so much sense.” I have to agree with the engineer. It seems uncanny that Neil and I are both interested in missions, willing to go, old enough to do it, young enough to be trained, and have such a great foundation in the Word and doing relational ministry. Plus Neil’s gift for evangelism and my English-teaching skills would certainly come in handy.

But I’m not trying to convince anyone, least of all God. I just want to hear the answer to the scariest prayer I’ve ever prayed. If the answer is to go, I’m sure there’ll be much scariest prayers to come. I think every Christian should ask God what role He has for them in His global plan. Perhaps right now He wants You to pray we figure out God’s will for us.

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